Science & Code

• Michael September 11, 2010

  C for Cyphilis

  Code, Culture, General

  The days of me building websites for money are long gone; especially since I believe the future of selling small home-brewed software projects lies in doing so on mobile devices. For that matter, I’ve been looking into iPad development and this turned out to be the worst nightmare I had since the dream in which I was trying to develop iPad applications.

  C for Cunts

  We program to make machines do jobs we’re too lazy to do ourselves. This is usually done using an imperative, a functional or a logic programming-paradigm (whatever floats your boat). iFuckYou-development, however, requires you to use Objective C. The internet (which is basically a dense graph whose vertices are usually morons) declares it to be a superset of C. The major additions that Objective C makes to C, other than the “Objective” part, is a huge pile of cock-sucking syntax.
  

  Seriously, this language was developed by economics for managers. Guys who read about introspection being cool produced something that looks so horribly cryptic that it invokes a strong urge for consumption in people having an MBA: “I cannot read this at all; put me down for 1000 copies!”. Fuck that! This truly is a language specifically designed for the guys who wreck economic systems of whole countries between jerking off behind their mahogany-desks and their next meal (Steak, Potatoes and a Hooker).

  C for Cocksuckers

  Another characteristic of this thoroughly fucked-up dialect of C is that everything is named differently. In addition to that, the main objective (haha, get it?) is to make everything as illegible as possible. I mean, check this:

  
  SomeClass *x = new SomeClass();
  

  In whose fucked up brain is it a good idea to write this as:

  
  SomeClass *x = [[SomeClass alloc] init];
  

  I give a flying-pile of tentacle-mounted steaming shit on whether this is the SmallTalk way. Functions are also easy. Let’s double an integer!

  
  - (int) twice : (int)x {
  return 2*x;
  }
  

  This is not bad. It is ugly as shit, but it is manageable. Now, try adding two numbers!

  
  - (int) sum : (int)a fuck : (int) b {
  return a + b;
  }
  

  Just to clarify this: I did not write ‘fuck’ in there by accident or to further state my opinion on the whole topic. This retarded language enforces you to name your arguments. That is, name them other than their actual identifier (here, the name of ‘b’ is ‘fuck’). This is total bullshit; although the literature states that you can use unnamed parameters (which does not work, by the way!). What the fuck? This is as retarded as Whitespace, but at least no-one has to read that!

  But why the hell should I name all parameters? Enforcing additional naming is as meaningful as writing documentation for this function which explains that ‘a’ and ‘b’ are the operands (Yes, I mean you @param!). Anyway, there’s another level of fucked-up-ness waiting: Not only are you forced to name all your parameters, but you are forbidden to name the first one! Yeah, that’s right! Look at the example above. The first one is not named, since ‘sum’ is the method’s name, right? Really, the dip-shits inventing this crap and the brainwashed consume-zombies who use this should be punched. Hard. In the ‘me time’-spot.

  So, why should I bear with this crap? Just to have reflection? Maybe, if the designers had reflected a bit more on themselves, they would have considered withdrawing from the gene pool or to spend their time embracing their (obviously) latent desires to perform sodomy on a family of shaved mountain goats.

  [TLDNR] Objective C is the hideous retarded small brother of C++ which their parents successfully locked into a dark basement for several years and the “thin layer” [sic!] by which it improves on its sibling consists of dried up spunk! While only some things are too good to be true, none are too bad to be sold, apparently. In short: Objective C sucks cocks; make sure its not yours!

  Also, if you’re using Objective C you officially lost the right to laugh at videos of guys wanking to their undressed Nightelven characters in World of Warcraft!

   
   

1. Dave Stewart

   I have no idea if you;re on the money with this post or not, but it cracked me up anyway!

   Comment written September 13, 2010 @ 10:59 pm
2. Sean Kearon

   Awesome post, loved it!

   Comment written July 31, 2011 @ 8:11 am
3. Velix

   Dude If you ever decide to candidate for a president you got my vote!!!
   I liked your post, thats exactly how i felt when I was forced to learn Objective C!

   Comment written August 31, 2012 @ 1:46 pm
4. Michael

   Much appreciated. If, by chance, your a US citizen, may I ask you to not vote for Romney instead?

   Comment written August 31, 2012 @ 3:00 pm